The zombieclock team has confirmed and contained a small P-zombie outbreak near Garden City, Utah, USA.
Within a few hours of zombieclock detecting a potential zombie outbreak, we had scrambled a team to the pinpointed vicinity. Our recent upgrades to the zombieclock centralised quantum computing matrix, thanks to funding from an undisclosed source, allowed us to reach this location in record time and with unmatched accuracy. Unusually for this kind of operation, our team did not find any shadowy government agents in the vicinty. Clearly this outbreak was something unusual. Once on the ground, our specialised team immediately secured the area and strongly "encouraged" noone to enter or leave the vicinity. Once secured, our team tracked down the source of the outbreak.
This P-zombie outbreak happened in a small farmhouse located just outside Garden City, Rich County, Utah. Garden city itself is a beautiful small town with pituresque scenery and delicious food. The team was very disappointed they could not visit and had to instead deal with this outbreak. Nevertheless due to the relative isolation of the farmhouse from the main town, our team found it relatively simple to set up a cordon and "discourage" people from getting too close. Our team, as per standard procedures, also strongly "discouraged" questions from the local populace while they went about their work.
After a full search of the farmhouse, our team established this home was inhabited by a single male individual, his real name is fully redacted for security purposes. We will henceforth refer to this individual as "Jack". Jack is 27 years old and in all aspects an average man. He has no prior record of Buckfast abuse, nor has he been in contact with any BADcow infected livestock. This is an anomoly. However as a precaution we "invited" Jack to stay with us indefinately in our interrogation facility and conducted a thorough immotolation of his farmhouse.
With Jack and the outbreak area secured. The team returned to base to further investigate Jack and determine the cause of this outbreak. Unusually for a registered outbreak, our team encountered no media or government representatives throughout our investigation, we see this as a testament to the improved accuracy of zombieclock. Likely we were the only organisation able to detect this latest outbreak. As always we treat our position as deseminators of this knowledge with the upmost respect.
After an initial examination of Jack as well as his homes remains and the surrounding area, our team was initially stumped as to what had occured. Dispite our computational prowess, we could find no traces of zombie material nearby. At this point one member of the team pointed out that further evidence may have been within the farmhouse which of course had just been incinerated, as per standard procedure. This was not a useful observation and this team member has since left the organisation.
Luckily one of our top scientists was on site. She immediately knew what was going on. If we have no evidence of a zombie or zombie materials in the vicinty, and there are no government agents nearby who could have instigated a cover up then of course there is only one logical and scientific explanation. This explanation is as unexpected as it is logical, we are of course dealing with a P-zombie in the form of our new friend Jack.
P-zombies are incredibly rare and have previously only existed within philisophical thought experiments. The discovery of a physical P-zombie is an exciting and perplexing moment for science. In essence a P-zombie is a zombie that has somehow managed to exactly mimic a human being. They will behave and respond in all ways exactly the same as a normal human being. They will also look exactly like a real human being. However despite looking, sounding, feeling and smelling identical to a human being, they are in fact a zombie.
A P or Philisophical zombie, although it seems a completely normal human in every testable respect is in fact a zombie, with no memory, no thoughts and no personality.
This is a complex type of zombie to understand without a significant understanding of the esoteric sciences. Because of this we have taken the liberty of including the transcription along with commentary of one of Jacks initial interviews with our team.
This excerpt begins after Jack has recieved a mild sedative. After we introduced him to the "guest quarters" he became somewhat irate. We believe this may be an indication of P-zombie tendancies.
Doctor A: Sir, we have reason to believe that you are not human and are in fact, what is referred to as a *makes air quotes* "philisophical zombie". We are here to ask some questions to scientifically prove this.
Doctor B: *Nods and smiles reassuringly.*
Jack: I'm a... what now? Who are you people? Look, Doctor... James was it? *Gestures to Doctor A* I don't know what you think I am, but I assure you, I am just a normal person!
Doctor A: *Gestures to Doctor B* Er.. he said my name. I don't want my name on the transcript.
Doctor B: *Smiles reassuringly* Don't worry, ***REDACTED***, our names are censored from all reports, standard proceedure.
This initial exchange is telling. A normal human would indeed reject the possibility of being a P-zombie. As a P-zombie perfectly mimics normal human behaviour, this is further scientific proof that Jack is indeed a P-zombie.
Doctor A: ***REDACTED***, prepare the P-zombie detection test.
Jack: *Looks nervous* What test? What are you going to do?
Doctor A: Not to worry sir, this is a simple diagnostic test we have devised to scientifically determine if you are a human being or a P-zombie.
Doctor B: *Returns to room carrying a small metal box* Don't worry sir this won't take long.
This test is of my own design and like all good scientific tests, it is truly remarkable in it's simplicity. I have theorised that a P-zombies brain, as it has no inner conciousness, will emit slightly altered Quantum Entanglement Composite Waveform (QECW) radiation than from a regular human being. As we all know, one of the easiest tests for altered QECW function is observing the behaviour of a viscous, protein rich liquid. In normal functioning, the liquid will be unaffected. However an altered QECW will cause the liquid to change colour. For simplicity I decided to use a simple free range egg while we await a more advanced synthetic material to be produced in the lab.
Doctor B: *Removes a bowl containing a raw egg from the box and holds the bowl next to Jacks head* Please remain perfectly still sir.
Jack: Is that an egg??
Doctor A: Please sir, we are trying to determine if you are human or not. Remain silent and let us do our science.
Several minutes pass
Doctor B: No change
Doctor A: The substance can take several hours to interact with the altered QECW function. Be patient.
Jack: Can I leave now?
Doctor A: No.
Doctor B: *Sniffs the bowl* Is this egg fresh?
A harrowing account indeed. We are continuing our research into P-zombies and what kind of threat they pose to the world. As always we will be constantly monitoring for new P-zombie outbreaks. We can only hope and pray that Jack was an isolated incident.
We are still researching the cause and spread of P-zombies. Luckily the test to determine if someone is a P-zombie is very straight forward and easy to administer (as the greatest science often is!). We are currently not gauging P-zombies as a major threat, however we are monitoring the situation constantly.
The cause of P-zombism is still unknown. We do not think it spreads in the traditional bites of other zombie types. We theorise it may be caused by an intense and prologed exposure to raw philosophy. As we all know from our earliest school days, exposure to raw unprocessed philisophical agents can be extremely dangerous and can cause a variety of side effects. One of these side effects appears to be P-zombism
Please direct all questions or comments about this latest outbreak and the efforts by our team to contain it to our Official Forum. If you have news of any other P-zombie infections please get in touch immediately and we will mobilise a team to welcome you and everyone in your vicinity to our underground "guest" facilities.