How to survive the zombie apocalypse

Surviving any apocalypse or doomsday event can be tough. And a zombie apocalpse is no different. Here at zombie clock we care about your survival, which is why we have brought together a crack team of experts to give you the hints tips and advice YOU need to survive in the inevitable apocalpse. All of our methods have been proven in the lab and the field. Remember, we have science on our side. And when did science ever get anything wrong??

1. Wear appropriate footwear

It goes without saying that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, regardless of the cause or the type of zombie involved, you are going to be on your feet a lot. Wear some comfy shoes. The last thing you want when an evil reanimated corpse is trying to feast on your juicy juicy brains is to worry about that huge blister on your foot going septic.

Of course comfort is not the only thing you need to worry about. You also need something hard wearing and preferably extremely deadly. It doesnt hurt to look fashionable either.. there will probably be other survivors out there, you don't want them laughing at your shoddy fashion sense.

Using our awesome powers of science, we have determined the ideal ratio is:

  • Comfort: 30%
  • Durability: 20%
  • Deadliness: 20%
  • STYLE: 30%

The ideal is to go for some timelessly classy oxford brogues, modified with a titanium nosetip. For added deadliness we recommend duct taping a machette to each shoe (be sure to use BRANDED duct tape... you are taping a giant knife to your shoe for godsakes, now is not the time to be frugal!). And finally, for much needed post apocalypse fashion, we recommend gluing some tail fins to each shoe. As well as looking super super cool, these will help with your aerodynamic properties, potentially allowing you to jump for huge distances. Very coy. (unproven at this time).

2. Make sure this is actually a zombie apocalypse

This is very important and definately not a step to be missed. Its not quite as important as ensuring your footwear is up to scratch but its still pretty damn important.

Before taking any further action you need to make sure that this is actually an apocalypse and if so that it is in fact a zombie apocalypse.

  • Check the zombie clock! In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the clock will be doing some very interesting things. We are not sure what it will do yet as we have not yet seen the apocalypse, however we have high hopes it will be something a little like the clock in lost.
  • Look around, do you see any zombies? If so how many? If there are only a couple, you may well be in the middle of an outbreak rather than an apocalypse. In this case you can simply let someone else worry about it.
  • Are people running around screaming in panic while being chased by hordes of zombies? This is a sure fire indication that the apocalypse is well and truly underway and its time for you to pull your newly awesome shoes on and get busy surviving it.

3.Bring a packed lunch

Okay so you have crafted yourself some frankly awe inspiring footwear and you have categorically determined that yes, this is indeed a zombie apocalypse. What now?

First things first, you need to get yourself some survival gear sorted!

For the time being you don't need to worry about arming yourself, what is much much more important is making sure that you have enough water. Its a well known fact that surviving a zombie apocalypse can lead to minor dehydration which may lead to a mild headache and slight tetchiness... not what you need in a time of crisis! Please ensure that you drink at least 8 glasses of water for every day you are fighting for your life against the living dead.

As well as water, you also need some food.. alternatively you can attempt to "go native" and live as the zombies live.. feasting on the brains of survivors. This seems like a bad idea but you are more than welcome to try. If this is not to your taste then at zombieclock we heartily recommend putting together a nutritious and delicious packed lunch consisting of a packet of instant ramen, a can of heinz baked beans and a granny smith apple. This should be more than enough for the next few weeks until you can find a sustainable food source (incidently, a zombie apocalpse has been widely proven at being a truly successful weight loss plan).

4.Get your outfit sorted

Awesome shoes? Check! But you need more clothes if you dont want to catch a cold. Catching a cold when fighting for your life in the zombie apocalypse is not a good idea.

Clothing wise you have a lot of options. The amateur survivor may be tempted to just wear their everyday work clothes or even dress up like a sheriff and strut around like this is just a normal day. Be warned if you go down this route you will be laughed at and treated with scorn and outright disgust by other survivors (and rightly so!).

No my friend, this is not a day at the office.. this is a zombie apocalypse! Dress appropriately!

You have a great many options for post apocalypse wear that are both fashionable and functional

Biohazard suit

An understated classic. Nothing quite says "I am going to survive the zombie apocalypse" like a bright yellow biohazard suit. Suitable for blocking out even the strangest of smells as well as keeping your skin squeaky clean in the midst of hordes of undead. As an added bonus it can apparently also be used on different planets, as the crew of stargate SG-1 here demonstrate.

A solid all rounder. For best results go for lemon yellow. Tasty.

Ultimate bad ass

If you have a big gun, a love of leather and are looking for a vaguely homoerotic look to ride out the apocalypse with then the ultimate bad ass is for you. The massive armour is best combined with a vaguely pretensious look and a dead eyed stare. Survivors will be in awe of the size of your cannon and will in no way believe you are overcompensating for anything whatsoever. Zombies themselves will be scared witless by the added inclusion of a red beret, which as well as being fashionable will keep your head warm in the cold nights. The shoulder spikes on the shoulder are 100% necisarry to complete this look.

For the man who has a red beret and is not sure what to wear with it.

Machine gun leg

We have all been there, you are a spunky lady just minding your own business when all of a sudden the apocalypse happens and some bastard of a zombie runs off with your right leg. And most of your clothes. The cheek of it.

Well what can you do? Zombies are not reknown for being polite. The best bet in this situation is to surgically attach a machine gun to your leg stump and go teach some reanimated corpses the rules of proper etiquette. With a vengeance.

By far the best option for a foxy lady who has misplaced a leg.

Chainsaw hand + boomstick

For the gentleman who gets extremely pissed off with zombies eating parts of him, this is the ideal outfit.Don't cry if a zombie eats your hand.. these things happen. Its the apocalypse! Take positive action. Weld a chainsaw to the stump! As well as being a very handy (hah!) weapon against the living dead, the chainsaw is useful for a variety of other things such as:

  • Opening cans
  • Scratching ones back
  • Swatting flies
  • Felling trees
  • Top the look off with some raggedy leather clothes and a saw off shotgun and you will be riding out the apocalpse with a smile on your face. (a very scary, somewhat disturbing smile)

    When wearing this outfit it is essential to refer to your shotgun as a "boomstick" at all times.

    Just wear trash

    If you are really stumped for ideas, just wear whatever the hell you can find nearby. In this stunning example a man has strapped some plastic to his and his daughters back. We would recommend however not advertising the fact that you are human. Zombies probably can't read but why take chances?

    To really pull off this outfit we recommend not using plastic pirate swords... the zombie apocalypse is not pirates of the caribbean. This is not a swashbuckling adventure, this is a "trying not to get your brains eaten by the living dead" kind of adventure. There is a significant difference. Bear this is mind if you want to survive (and not be laughed at).

    The best choice if you can't really be bothered putting the effort into surviving the apocalypse

    More tips coming soon!

    Do you have some top tips on how to survive the zombie apocalypse? Get in touch, let us know what they are. If they are up to our very high standards we may even put them on this page for all to see.

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